Yoga study

So I was placed into Group B for the breast cancer yoga study, which means I'll start yoga six months from now. It will probably work out better that way, since I will be starting at the end of September when school is starting up again-- it will be easier to get into a routine.

The weather is getting nicer here and I do have to say that I'm thinking more and more about doing some kind of reconstruction. The prosthetic is so uncomfortable I can only wear it a few hours at a time. I've been trying to wear it to work on the days I'm teaching, but by the time I get home and take it off there are terrible marks in my skin. It's not even that I mind so much about having only one boob-- it's the not being able to wear a bra that bothers me so much. I can't go to work in a t-shirt with my left boob flopping around, you know?

I wish I had known back then what I know now. When I made the decision about the mastectomy the priority was to get the breast off as soon as possible. The aggressive grade 3 tumor that was 9cm scared everyone and the idea of doing plastic surgery wasn't at all attractive. Even if I had time to think, I don't know that I would have done plastic surgery. There is no way I could have anticipated how difficult it would be to find clothes to wear. 

I think a double mastectomy would have been the best choice. Removing a healthy breast may sound extreme but when you get cancer at 33 without any family history, removing both buys quite a bit of peace of mind. Reconstruction could have been even. Even if I try to do an implant now, it's not possible to do with big enough to match my existing breast. So I'd have to do a reduction on that side. . . which is painful and requires drains and all the rest.

It's frustrating and I feel guilty for complaining. I am lucky that we caught this, that I had insurance, that the mastectomy was done so quickly. I'm a cancer survivor-- lots of women aren't as lucky. So whining about a stupid boob is kind of ridiculous, huh?

3-month post-op

I saw Dr. Calhoun today and she thinks I'm doing great.  Incision healed well, I have a good range of motion.  So now, let the monitoring begin!

I'll see her in 3 months, then every 6 months after that.  The oncologist every 6 months.  Breast MRI and mammogram every year.  Sheesh.  

The boob

This is my new boob. It's a new lightweight version and it's actually quite real-feeling. But it's not real. And it's not real comfortable to wear. I wore it a lot the first week because I was so glad to just look normal in clothes again. But now the prosthetic is flopped out on the table and I never use it.

It's hard to wear a bra because it rubs on the incision. I can't feel it when it starts to bunch up under my arm, so when I finally take it off in the evening there are red marks and indentations across the skin.

I understand why the surgeon didn't want to remove a healthy breast. But even then, I often wish that I had both breasts removed. It doesn't make sense to go back now and have a second surgery to remove the remaining breast. I could try reconstruction, I guess, but that is painful and the results are questionable. There is a new kind of implant that is in clinical trials right now, I might consider it someday. Getting a match is so hard-- I imagine that wearing a bra when you have one real boob and one implant isn't super comfortable, either.

Joint pain gone!

So I've been on tamoxifen for about 2 months now and all of the side effects have disappeared. The pain in my knees is gone, thank goodness. Insomnia is still a problem, but I'm not sure what exactly that is from. I've had sleeping problems in the past so I can't really be blaming the tamoxifen.

There is a lump in the center of my chest, where the incision ends. This part was super swollen for weeks out of surgery, it got better, then it's swollen again. I don't know if it's fluid accumulating or scar tissue or what. I'm supposed to see my surgeon for my follow-up this month, so I'll have her take a look. If I can ever get an appointment! I have left several messages and still have no appointment to see her or my oncologist.

There is a part of me that is relieved by this. Now that there is no evidence of disease, my case is not a big deal. I can be put off, there are other women who still have cancer and they are a priority. Not needing an urgent visit to the oncologist is a good thing.

My doc on the Today Show

Dr. Calhoun was the surgeon for three sisters from WA who had prophylactic mastectomies. She isn't interviewed here, but they show her in the operating room and talking to the families. In just those few shots, it's clear that she truly cares about her patients. She worked so hard for so long to become a breast surgeon-- and I feel very lucky to have received the benefits of all her hard work and dedication.

If you're interested, you can watch the clip here:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22343990/

Hormone therapy

So I don't have to do chemo. Or radiation. And while of course I'm happy and relieved about that, I have to wonder if I really needed the surgery, too. DCIS does not spread-- I could have probably had the tumor removed without removing the whole breast. And really only about half of DCIS ever develops into invasive cancer-- I could have just left it in there and had it monitored closely. I suppose I would have worried a lot and it's better to just get it out of there. But it's interesting that no one has mentioned that I may have cut off my breast for no good reason.

I started the tamoxifen about three weeks ago. The joint pain has been tough, but I really haven't had any hot flashes yet. I'm not sure how the hormone therapy is going to effect my body. I know that some women with PCOS are given tamoxifen for fertility, but I can't find any info on wheather or not other PCOS symptoms are alleviated. We'll see, I guess.

Nerve Pain

For the past several days I have been having terrible nerve pain in my chest. It's above the incision, in the chest wall, and it's constant. I can put my finger on the exact spot, though the pain radiates out a bit through the chest. During my surgery the doctor had to go back in and take some muscle out of the chest wall to get a clean margin. Just a small little piece, but I am wondering if that's this spot-- maybe it hit a nerve and now that nerve is regenerating or something?

I have a high pain tolerance. With my back surgery and those problems for 12 years, I am used to dealing with pain every day. I use relaxation techniques, distraction, etc., to live with the pain. But this pain in my chest is driving me crazy. I literally want to bang my head against the wall. I want to curl up in a ball and moan. I thought I could tough it out but this morning finally called my doctor's office to ask if this is normal and if it will go away.

They do think it is temporary, and in the meantime they called in vicodin. Such a joke. First, vicodin does nothing for me-- I can't tell the difference between it and tylenol. Second, it makes me nauseated. I went through this after surgery-- told them I needed more than 2 days of oxycodone (they only gave me enough for 2 days!!!) and they called in the vicodin. I told them it was making me vomit and the answer was to call in anti-nausea drugs. WTF? I know they can't call in prescriptions for anything stronger, but I live a few minutes from the hospital and the clinic and would be glad to drive anywhere for a little relief.

Anyway, vicodin is all I get and I know it's not going to do much. Really, I'm like *this* close to buying percocet off the internet or a street corner or something. I don't understand what the big deal is with narcotic pain medication. Research has shown that when used as prescribed for real pain management, the risk of addiction is very, very low. People without pain heal faster and sleep better. I believe there is absolutely no reason for people to experience post-surgical pain that can be controlled with medication. I'm not a drug addict and I'm not trying to trick anyone. I have no plans to sell my pills. I want to take them because I need them-- I want some pain relief so I can get some sleep and stop feeling like I'm going to go crazy. I do feel like I'm going crazy! Can you tell?